Have you ever walked around with your phone camera in front of you at a special event? You are trying to capture the special moments in your life, but you are watching it through a tiny screen instead of in living color. Your subconscious is worried about focusing, keeping things centered, and not tripping over your own two feet in the process. So many times, so focused on the video you are taking, that you become detached from what is actually going on around you. In doing so you capture the action, but miss the emotions of the moment. You wanted to capture this special moment so you could watch it over and over and get that same feeling. But since you were taking the video and were detached from the moment, you probably never will watch the video more then once.
Strange set up, but it has been one month today that my sister passed away and oddly enough, I feel exactly like I’m walking behind that camera. I am aware of the special people that are around me; those that want to comfort me, and those I want to comfort. There are things I need to keep doing like going to birthday parties and my granddaughter’s basketball games… So I’m going through the motions of going to the special events and the ordinary ones, but it’s like I am watching them through the video camera screen. I want desperately to be present, to remember this time, this event, this precious person. But instead I am focusing on just putting one foot in front of the other without falling on my face. Trying to focus on faces and hear the words that are being said, but finding that I’ve forgotten to press the record button.
Grief is so strange! Even though I feel so detached, I am also feeling things way bigger, way stronger then usual. I cry at the drop of a hat, and I get angry the same way. I Cry louder, laugh harder, (embarrassingly loud actually) and I am annoyed much easier than I usually would be.
I have often said that I hate being depressed, because it depresses me. And I usually follow that with a big laugh! I love to laugh about things. I love to see the good in everything and everyone. And that is still my motto. But I know now that there is depression that comes that is not despair. I have hope and a secret joy in my heart that my savior has given me that no man and no circumstance can ever take away. Yet I am sad, blue, and want to hide myself away. I don’t want to cry anymore. It hurts too much. I don’t want to laugh anymore, it feels wrong. I don’t want to be angry with anyone, they love me beyond measure and I them.
I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve. I have never been able to disguise my feeling. But THIS, this is ridiculous.
My mind struggles to reconcile the joy of heaven that I have that is solid, and true and unmovable, with the grief that I bear which seems just as solid, true. But it is not unmovable! My grief will lesson as time goes by, my faith will only get bigger and stronger. Through this pain I am given a great gift. The gift of empathy and understanding, compassion and a deeper love then I ever had before.
So please be patient with me as I walk around in this disconnected state of grief. Please know that I love you all and thank you for all your prayers and support and loving hugs. They mean the world to me, even If I can’t remember whom it was that hugged me of prayed for me. I still remember that I am loved!